If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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