eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
