I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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