She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
