I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
