somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
