So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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