My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
