help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
