idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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