your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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