You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
