Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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