Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
