i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just threw up on my dentist
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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