He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Alive.
So much puke
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
