I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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