there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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