there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
