after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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