Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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