some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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