Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.