Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
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One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
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Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit