As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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