Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize