The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
