I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
