There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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