i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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