Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i believe in u and ur pee
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
