I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
