Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
