I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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