Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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