nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
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I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
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but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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