Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
