Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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