Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
