i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
