who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I need to wash the frat house off of me
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
