I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
