giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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