i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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