I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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