I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
