I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
