just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
