So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
