I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
