my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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