If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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