Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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