Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Porn is love you can see.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
