He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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