Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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