I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
