I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
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I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
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She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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